Babies

There has been a lot of talks about babies surrounding us lately.  Which I won't lie... it has been kind of nice since things have been so uncertain with my dad.  New life always has a way of making everything feel better.

I have several friends who have been trying to get pregnant... and some newly pregnant family members.  I asked Brianna the other night if she wanted a new baby cousin and she looked at me and very seriously said, "No thank you, I'd like a baby sister"  WHAT!?!  I couldn't believe it.  We have asked her questions like this before... trying to see if she thinking about having a sibling... and the answers are always so vague.

This time it was clear.  And i can't help but hope that someday we give her this wish.  That she has a sibling to experience life with.  A sibling to be there for her when Michael and I are gone.

Hospital Guilt

I really hope this post makes sense.  My sleep deprived state is really catching up to me! Not much has changed with my dad since my last post.  To be honest, not much has changed with me either.  I'm still an anxious mess and not able to sleep.  I can't focus on anything and never feel ok where I am.  Similar to what I call "Mommy Guilt" I'm having what I'd now call "Hospital Guilt".  When I'm at work or with Michael and Brianna I am feeling guilty that I'm not at the hospital.  When I'm at the hospital, I'm feeling guilty I am not at work or with my family.  The worst part... I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything anywhere.  

Brianna doesn't stop growing because my dad is in the hospital. The end of my fiscal year at work doesn't get changed because my dad is in the hospital.  Laundry doesn't stop piling, dust doesn't stop accumulating, dishes don't stop stacking in the sink... you get the picture.  The problem is... my heart has stopped.  And I'm really having a hard time.  

I have been trying to use the same advice for my current state that I apply to the Mommy Guilt.  I'm trying to live in the moment.  Be where I can when I can and focus on that thing.  Today I didn't go to the hospital at all.  While I did feel a tug in my stomach trying to convince me to get in the car and go... I knew that it was okay for me not to go.  There has only been one other day that I didn't make it since this all began 19 days ago.  After working all day, I made my family dinner and played with Brianna.  Really played with her.  We talked, we giggled, we danced, we sang, we colored, we played with her toys, helped Daddy wash his car and went for a walk.  It was good for my soul and hers. I love my baby girl and I have been missing our quality time.  

Bri has still been sleeping in her crib at 2 and 1/2.  While a lot of other kids her age have attempted to escape, she never has.  Her pediatrician has told me to leave her in the crib as long as she still comfortably fits or is climbing out.  So that was my plan.  But then our sitter mentioned having time lifting her out in the morning (we forget not everyone is as tall as we are) and Brianna has also been liking being in bed with Mommy and Daddy a little too much lately.  So I decided it would be a good idea to consider taking the front of the crib off and putting the bed rail on that came with it to convert it to a toddler bed.  I had the thought to get new blackout curtains (in an effort to begin reinforcing naptime) and some new adorable bedding that would make her room feel special and ultimately be a place that she would feel like a big girl and `hopefully` want to be in her bed more.  

Apparently the only part of this conversation with Michael that was heard was the "convert the crib" portion.  So tonight... twenty minutes before bedtime... he randomly went into her room to do just that.  And thats when the past 19 days really caught up with me.  My heart all of a sudden realized it has been stopped.  There wasn't a huge breakdown but there was a breakdown.  I have to stop trying to figure everything out.  I can't fix anything right now.  I have to stop worrying about what other people are thinking and feeling right now.  This makes me super uncomfortable but I have to do it for survival at this point.  Thanks Kimberly for talking me through this tonight.  

They are taking my Dad off the ventilator tomorrow around 11am and doing a tracheotomy which has to be done because he isn't ready to come off the ventilator and they only have a limited amount of time a patient can be on a regular ventilator.  Our hopes are still high.  We are praying that while this feels like a step backward, it will ultimately help us make a big step forward.  We really need some good news.  So any thoughts and prayers that we can get coming our way are so very appreciated. 

Lately

I'm really struggling with anxiety tonight and am unable to sleep.  I started writing about an hour ago to try to get things out and while it was helpful for me, I'm not ready to post it.  However, I will say that my dad has been incredibly sick.  Critically sick.  As of tomorrow, he has been in ICU for two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  Two weeks of my world being turned upside down.  The post I wrote went through every medical issue and setback he has had over this period of time.  I know this isn't the place to throw all of that out there but this is the place that I can share how I am feeling.  

So there are a lot of things that I am praying for, wishing for, longing for... things I took for granted two weeks ago.  

I want to hear my dad's voice.  

I want to call him and have one of our talks.  The talks that make me feel so loved.  That encourage me.  That always let me know he is proud of me.  And the advice that he is so good at giving when I am ready.  Never pushing, never prying, just there.  My dad is the best at being there.  

I want some comfort for my dad right now.  

He is fighting so hard, I want so bad to be able to do more to fight for him.  

I want some real answers from doctors. 

I want to know what he needs and provide it or find a nurse or doctor that can. 

I want the hours that we are spending at the hospital to DO SOMETHING.  HELP MORE. 

I want to take his pain away.  I want to let him use my organs so that his can heal.  

I want to smile when I see his face and tell him he will be fine.  

So that's where I am at emotionally.  As of the past two days, physically, I have had to be back at work.  It is hard to concentrate but I have to be there.  We are in the  middle of the fiscal year closeout which is madness.  I also have needed to be around for my family.  Brianna misses me.  Michael is stretched thin with work issues and taking over majority of Brianna's care.  I try to get home before she goes to bed but it doesn't always happen.  She has been watching a show on PBS that has a song that she sings every time she sees me.  "Grownups come back"  It breaks my heart that she has to worry about this but I'm glad that she has this little song that helps.  She knows Papaw Ray is in the hospital.  She says that he is sick and hurting.  And then she puts her tiny hands on my face and says, "Don't cry, Mommy"  My heart is breaking and my baby girl sees it.  

Thank you to all of my friends and family for the support.  Whether it is a nightly phone call or just a prayer every once in a while... it means everything to me.  Thanks for listening to me vent.