Bring it on 2014

While talking the the Bestie last night she mentioned (not for the first time) that she was ready for 2014.  She and I both have gone through some traumatic things in 2013 and we both agree that we are looking forward to saying goodbye to 2013 and hello to 2014.  So I say... BRING IT!  

In the month that has passed since my last entry a lot has happened.  Let's just list these bad boys bullet point style:

• My Dad came home from the hospital on October 11th.  
• Visited a pumpkin patch
• I organized a surprise birthday dinner for Michael's 30th birthday.  
• Made a couple homemade gifts for Daddy from Brianna.  
• I threw a baby shower for my sister-in-law.  
• I went out of town for work as well as finished closing out the fiscal year. 
• Spent many evenings at the park with Brianna while we still had daylight in the evenings. 
• Prayed hard for my cousin's baby boy, Connor, who entered the world a month early (he got to go home from the hospital Wednesday!).  
• Attended several Halloween events and she had trick or treated with Brianna.  (In terrible rain and a wind advisory.)
• Hosted a small party last weekend and then attended one of Brianna's five year old cousin's birthday party at Jumping Jacks.  

Those are just the things I could list off the top of my head.  I think this time of year is equally crazy for most people.  I feel like we have been crazy busy which has left me feeling like I'm failing at everything.  I loved this video that is currently all over Facebook. 

Post by Unstoppable Mother.

I know that all I can do is my best.  And learn how to say no.  I've gotten better at this since having Brianna but there is always room for improvement.  That short video couldn't have come at a better time.  And I've been trying to be more present in each moment of my day.  I'm also trying to feel more confident in my parenting.  I may not be the best mother in the world... but I'm the best mother for Brianna.  

My Dad continues to improve... slowly... but still in the right direction.  As expected, it has been a difficult transition.  It truly is a miracle how far he has come but he does still have quite a bit of work in front of him.  I apologize for being annoyingly vague... but... there are some other things happening as a result of my Dad's illness that I'm having a hard time with.  The older I get the more I struggle with change.  And letting things go.  There is a lot metaphorically and literally that I am having to let go.  And it is adding a level of stress to my life that I've never dealt with until now.  So if you guys don't mind... all of the prayers for my Dad, family, and myself are so very much appreciated.  

Michael's 30th birthday was the day before my Dad was discharged from the hospital.  Brianna and I had made some gifts for him that week, I picked up his Servatii's cake which has become our little family tradition, and told him to meet his mom, Bri and I for dinner when he got off work.  I'm so thankful for the family and friends who came to surprise Michael.  I know he felt loved and really enjoyed the evening.  

Stepping Stone

Photo Collage for Daddy's Office

Also toward the beginning of the month we went to visit a pumpkin patch with Michael's Dad, Karen, and Granny.  It was still super hot outside which felt unnatural but we still had a lot of fun.  Brianna got a princess crown to run around in, there were carriage rides (there was no hay in the trailer that the horses were pulling so I refuse to call it a hayride), a huge bouncy house type area, a train that she was able to ride around the corn maze (ALL BY HERSELF!), and a lot more.  

Afterwards, Brianna was obviously exhausted.  So exhausted that she fell asleep with a book on her face.  Yes. I had to take a picture before removing it to make sure she was still breathing.  Mother of the year.  

 See, she was perfectly fine under there.  

I need to mention her obsession with Disney princess nightgowns.  Particularly this extra frilly, sparkly line from Target.  She now has Ariel and Rapunzel.  And she literally wears one at all times while home.  Now that it is cold she wears long sleeves and pants underneath to keep her warm.  But here she is cuddling with Ariel (you can see the red hair behind her head) and Rapunzel... wearing her Ariel nightgown.  

And before I knew it... the exhaustion of the fun day of choosing pumpkins and fall festivities caught up with her again. 

The face painter decided to paint her arm instead of her face.  Which actually worked out for the best because Brianna could actually see it.  Brianna politely asked for a pumpkin.  But my girly girl insisted that purple be integrated into the masterpiece.  The woman appeased her by adding some purple flowers onto the pumpkin vine.  The only surprising part of that request was that she wanted purple instead of that other female gender dominantly chosen color.  

Here is a picture of another random night this past month of her with her first french braid.  It struggles but I assure you... I deserve some kind of medal for even attempting this task.  Michael came running upstairs thinking she was seriously injured.  Again... proving that I am indeed, Mother of the Year.  Beauty must suffer??? No? Okay, okay. 

Notice the Ariel nightgown again... I was not exaggerating.  Every. Single. Day. 

At least now that we have Rapunzel's gown I can alternate them so they can actually be washed. 

These pictures are pretty much the only halfway decent pictures I have of her in her costume.  As I'm sure most of you know, the weather wasn't the greatest.  Luckily, the night before Halloween Michael and I took her to an event near my office where local business set up tents and pass out treats, carnival-like games, crafts, local mascots, and apparently half of Boone County.  We probably would have just stayed home that night if we had known how insane the crowd and traffic would be.  But she had a blast playing with the other kids in line and the mascots were her favorite part.  I really am glad that we did go.  I also ran into a girl I used to work with years ago.  It was fun to catch up with her and see Brianna and her children playing together.  

I didn't take many (if any) pictures of majority of the shenanigans this past month.  And most of the pictures were taken with my iPhone.  The baby shower for Krystan went really well.  She got some great gifts and I think everyone had a pretty good time.  Since I was hosting the shower along with Peggy, my camera never even came out of its bag.  

The last thing I'll share is a result of that last bullet point up there.  The one about a five-year birthday party.  At Jumping Jacks.  Let me just start by saying that the last time we went there was July for another birthday party.  A few days after the party in July I had a high temperature and a throat that felt like it was closing in.  That Wednesday I found myself sitting in Kroger's Little Clinic waiting area in between meetings with clients so that I could have a strep test performed which immediately came back with a bright and shiny positive.  The nurse practitioner joked that indoor playgrounds are basically one big petri dish.  Lovely.  I hadn't had strep since my tonsils were taken out somewhere around the age of 22.  

This time... I was armed with even more sanitizer and followed very closely behind her the entire time.  She isn't old enough to be embarrassed by me... yet... so at least I wasn't cramping her style.  But I was determined to not bring a single friendly germ home with us.  Not one.  

To be continued... 

(Check back tomorrow)

:)

Fall TV 2013

So this time last year I was posting about my excitement for Fall TV.  

This time of year when the air is crisp, it gets darker earlier and all of the new fall shows have started has always been my favorite.  I've never been a PSL lover... but I am excited about Pumpkin Pie.  I'm excited to take some picture with Brianna at the garden center with some mums and pumpkins.  

I haven't had much time to catch many television shows but I have been enjoying the return of New Girl.  Before things really started improving with my Dad I enjoyed getting my mind off things with New Girl.  It is the only show that really truly makes me laugh out loud.  I love it.  

The only two other shows I have watched this fall are Nashville and Grey's.  I have been having trouble watching them though.  Seeing people on venilators and all of these medical issues that have been such a huge part of my life has left me not being able to watch some of the subject matter that never used to bother me.  

The other show I've been excited about is Parenthood.  I think last spring I began watching Parenthood on Netflix and fell in love.  I watched all four (I think) seasons pretty quickly.  And then found out it had been renewed for this fall and I was so excited about the season premiere the week before last.  However, now that I'm two episodes in, I realize I enjoyed the show much more while "binge watching".  So should I continue watching through the season or give up and binge watch when the season is over. 

Kimberly is very close to having me convinced I need to binge watch season 1 of Scandal.  I will have to keep you posted on that one.  

Decisions, decisions... 

To be quite honest, there has been a lot of family drama for me right now.  I'm anxious for some time with my girlfriends, more outings with Michael, Brianna and I or to dive into a new book series.  Until those other things happen, I'm trying to enjoy fall... and the new television that comes with it. 

Weekend Getaway

Since we went to Florida in May this year we felt like we didn't have a lot to look forward to travel-wise this summer.  We had thrown around the idea of going to Florida again around Labor Day but after checking to see if the family condo was available and finding out it wasn't, we started brainstorming some short trips that are closer to home that would give us a little break to look forward to without the expense and planning that is required for a complete second vacation.

So months ago, we booked a weekend trip to Gatlinburg.  We figured there is a ton of stuff for Brianna and it would be relaxing to visit the mountains as the leaves start to turn for fall.  Then my Dad got sick.  He was stable, able to communicate with me by using a pen to spell out on a board what he wanted to say, and while I felt a lot of anxiety about leaving him... I knew it was OK.  And Brianna has been missing her Mommy so it was much needed quality time.

So we swam in the pool, had family time in our bathing suits in the huge jacuzzi tub in our cabin, went to the Dixie Stampede, Aquarium, shopped, ate, ate and ate lots of yummy food and it was nice.  Brianna had been having some sleep regression before the trip and that only got worse so she was a little,  okay, A LOT, more cranky than normal but we managed.  Here are a few pictures of our time in Gatlinburg.

It was a nice little trip but we were happy to get home- especially so that I could get back to the hospital with Dad.  But the good news is that we have implemented strict afternoon naps for Brianna since we returned.  Life has been so much better now that the two year old is getting enough sleep!  

Progress

Life is still pretty crazy, I still wish I had a pause button to press to calm things down, and I'm still an anxious mess... BUT... Things have come a very long way in the past week.  I don't have the guts to read my previous blog posts because I can't experience that emotion again just yet but I thought I would post a bit of an update of where things are now and express how incredibly grateful I am for the thoughts and prayers that have gotten us to today. A lot of this post is mostly for me to remember so feel free to skip through some of the details!

After four weeks and three days in Intensive Care my dad was MOVED to another hospital last Monday to continue healing and begin rehabilitation.  I had a lot of issues with this... my dad on the other hand was ecstatic.  I didn't understand how there wasn't any kind of "stepdown" from ICU to rehabilitative care.  He was going from his own room with the best nurses, the best doctors and pretty much one on one care to a place that he was sharing a room and there are way too many patients per nurse.  Dad wanted me to be there for the move so I took some time off work to be there.  He was excited but the change and unknown had me a nervous wreck.  When everything was finally coordinated and the EMT's were there to transport him I gave him a kiss, got in my car, and drove to the new hospital to meet him.  I held it together until I had issues parking at the new hospital, got lost when trying to find his floor (this hospital has at least four different sets of elevators and only one takes you to his floor) and then when I made it to the floor they made me wait by the elevators until he was "settled".  I start looking around to observe the surroundings.  I see people on cell phones, laughing and joking, and speaking unprofessionally with colorful language. Those who know me know I don't cuss... I don't judge people who do but it is a personal choice not to use certain language.  That was all I needed to break into tears.  Full and complete meltdown.  Tears that I had held in for too long.  

My mom met me there at that point and didn't understand why I was so upset.  When we were finally able to go to his room we walked through the cramped hallways to a room where there is room basically just for his bed and a small table with drawers for his personal items.  The ventilator was crammed in the corner, the tube feed was hanging on the other side along with the suction that he desperately needed at this point.  I immediately helped get him comfortable in the bed.  They didn't bother to do that.  I left the room a couple times because I couldn't hold back my tears.  I heard my mom telling my dad that he needs to act like he is okay because I was upset.  I walked back into the room with tears streaming down my face and looked at my dad who couldn't talk to us at this point and told him he NEVER has to pretend things are okay for me and shouldn't do it for anyone else either.  I explained that I was upset, I was allowed to be upset, and that I was having a hard time with the transition.  I wrote my phone number on the small board in his room.  I had a meeting the next day with my boss who was driving three and a half hours to come to my office and I couldn't go a night without sleep.  I had to leave.  I begged the nurse to check on him frequently.  He couldn't use the call button, he couldn't use the suction on his own, he couldn't yell for help.  After staying a while the nurse saw how upset I was and promised she would take good care of him that night.  I left and literally cried the entire night... I think my phone call to Kimberly that night had to have been a difficult one for her.  She can usually talk me down.  It wasn't working that night.  

Fast forward (wish I could have done that in real life) to this week... I'll start with the negatives but will end on the positives.  Because really the positives are all that matter at this point.  Dad is still not getting the care that I would like.  But he has made a ton of progress.  He has to wait longer for things he needs than he should be, they aren't the most professional and I worry way too much.  But this is where we are today: 

• NO MORE VENTILATOR!!!!!
• Trach may be removed tomorrow (fingers crossed) 
• Tomorrow might be his last dialysis (toes crossed)   While typing this blog I found out NO MORE DIALYSIS!!!!
• Eating on his own with less tube feeds (last night he ate a real sandwich) no more mush grossness
• He has been getting up (with help) and sitting in a chair to eat
• Physical Therapy has begun and he is walking
• Talk has begun about transitioning him home

And most importantly....

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM!!!!! 

He has even called me on the phone.  

So through all of this madness... miracles have happened.  And I am so incredibly thankful.   

I'm not sure if my family or I will ever be the same.  I pray that things continue in this direction.  That Brianna gets to see her papaw soon.  But today... I'm happy.  

Babies

There has been a lot of talks about babies surrounding us lately.  Which I won't lie... it has been kind of nice since things have been so uncertain with my dad.  New life always has a way of making everything feel better.

I have several friends who have been trying to get pregnant... and some newly pregnant family members.  I asked Brianna the other night if she wanted a new baby cousin and she looked at me and very seriously said, "No thank you, I'd like a baby sister"  WHAT!?!  I couldn't believe it.  We have asked her questions like this before... trying to see if she thinking about having a sibling... and the answers are always so vague.

This time it was clear.  And i can't help but hope that someday we give her this wish.  That she has a sibling to experience life with.  A sibling to be there for her when Michael and I are gone.

Hospital Guilt

I really hope this post makes sense.  My sleep deprived state is really catching up to me! Not much has changed with my dad since my last post.  To be honest, not much has changed with me either.  I'm still an anxious mess and not able to sleep.  I can't focus on anything and never feel ok where I am.  Similar to what I call "Mommy Guilt" I'm having what I'd now call "Hospital Guilt".  When I'm at work or with Michael and Brianna I am feeling guilty that I'm not at the hospital.  When I'm at the hospital, I'm feeling guilty I am not at work or with my family.  The worst part... I don't feel like I'm accomplishing anything anywhere.  

Brianna doesn't stop growing because my dad is in the hospital. The end of my fiscal year at work doesn't get changed because my dad is in the hospital.  Laundry doesn't stop piling, dust doesn't stop accumulating, dishes don't stop stacking in the sink... you get the picture.  The problem is... my heart has stopped.  And I'm really having a hard time.  

I have been trying to use the same advice for my current state that I apply to the Mommy Guilt.  I'm trying to live in the moment.  Be where I can when I can and focus on that thing.  Today I didn't go to the hospital at all.  While I did feel a tug in my stomach trying to convince me to get in the car and go... I knew that it was okay for me not to go.  There has only been one other day that I didn't make it since this all began 19 days ago.  After working all day, I made my family dinner and played with Brianna.  Really played with her.  We talked, we giggled, we danced, we sang, we colored, we played with her toys, helped Daddy wash his car and went for a walk.  It was good for my soul and hers. I love my baby girl and I have been missing our quality time.  

Bri has still been sleeping in her crib at 2 and 1/2.  While a lot of other kids her age have attempted to escape, she never has.  Her pediatrician has told me to leave her in the crib as long as she still comfortably fits or is climbing out.  So that was my plan.  But then our sitter mentioned having time lifting her out in the morning (we forget not everyone is as tall as we are) and Brianna has also been liking being in bed with Mommy and Daddy a little too much lately.  So I decided it would be a good idea to consider taking the front of the crib off and putting the bed rail on that came with it to convert it to a toddler bed.  I had the thought to get new blackout curtains (in an effort to begin reinforcing naptime) and some new adorable bedding that would make her room feel special and ultimately be a place that she would feel like a big girl and `hopefully` want to be in her bed more.  

Apparently the only part of this conversation with Michael that was heard was the "convert the crib" portion.  So tonight... twenty minutes before bedtime... he randomly went into her room to do just that.  And thats when the past 19 days really caught up with me.  My heart all of a sudden realized it has been stopped.  There wasn't a huge breakdown but there was a breakdown.  I have to stop trying to figure everything out.  I can't fix anything right now.  I have to stop worrying about what other people are thinking and feeling right now.  This makes me super uncomfortable but I have to do it for survival at this point.  Thanks Kimberly for talking me through this tonight.  

They are taking my Dad off the ventilator tomorrow around 11am and doing a tracheotomy which has to be done because he isn't ready to come off the ventilator and they only have a limited amount of time a patient can be on a regular ventilator.  Our hopes are still high.  We are praying that while this feels like a step backward, it will ultimately help us make a big step forward.  We really need some good news.  So any thoughts and prayers that we can get coming our way are so very appreciated. 

Lately

I'm really struggling with anxiety tonight and am unable to sleep.  I started writing about an hour ago to try to get things out and while it was helpful for me, I'm not ready to post it.  However, I will say that my dad has been incredibly sick.  Critically sick.  As of tomorrow, he has been in ICU for two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  Two weeks of my world being turned upside down.  The post I wrote went through every medical issue and setback he has had over this period of time.  I know this isn't the place to throw all of that out there but this is the place that I can share how I am feeling.  

So there are a lot of things that I am praying for, wishing for, longing for... things I took for granted two weeks ago.  

I want to hear my dad's voice.  

I want to call him and have one of our talks.  The talks that make me feel so loved.  That encourage me.  That always let me know he is proud of me.  And the advice that he is so good at giving when I am ready.  Never pushing, never prying, just there.  My dad is the best at being there.  

I want some comfort for my dad right now.  

He is fighting so hard, I want so bad to be able to do more to fight for him.  

I want some real answers from doctors. 

I want to know what he needs and provide it or find a nurse or doctor that can. 

I want the hours that we are spending at the hospital to DO SOMETHING.  HELP MORE. 

I want to take his pain away.  I want to let him use my organs so that his can heal.  

I want to smile when I see his face and tell him he will be fine.  

So that's where I am at emotionally.  As of the past two days, physically, I have had to be back at work.  It is hard to concentrate but I have to be there.  We are in the  middle of the fiscal year closeout which is madness.  I also have needed to be around for my family.  Brianna misses me.  Michael is stretched thin with work issues and taking over majority of Brianna's care.  I try to get home before she goes to bed but it doesn't always happen.  She has been watching a show on PBS that has a song that she sings every time she sees me.  "Grownups come back"  It breaks my heart that she has to worry about this but I'm glad that she has this little song that helps.  She knows Papaw Ray is in the hospital.  She says that he is sick and hurting.  And then she puts her tiny hands on my face and says, "Don't cry, Mommy"  My heart is breaking and my baby girl sees it.  

Thank you to all of my friends and family for the support.  Whether it is a nightly phone call or just a prayer every once in a while... it means everything to me.  Thanks for listening to me vent.