Progress

Life is still pretty crazy, I still wish I had a pause button to press to calm things down, and I'm still an anxious mess... BUT... Things have come a very long way in the past week.  I don't have the guts to read my previous blog posts because I can't experience that emotion again just yet but I thought I would post a bit of an update of where things are now and express how incredibly grateful I am for the thoughts and prayers that have gotten us to today. A lot of this post is mostly for me to remember so feel free to skip through some of the details!

After four weeks and three days in Intensive Care my dad was MOVED to another hospital last Monday to continue healing and begin rehabilitation.  I had a lot of issues with this... my dad on the other hand was ecstatic.  I didn't understand how there wasn't any kind of "stepdown" from ICU to rehabilitative care.  He was going from his own room with the best nurses, the best doctors and pretty much one on one care to a place that he was sharing a room and there are way too many patients per nurse.  Dad wanted me to be there for the move so I took some time off work to be there.  He was excited but the change and unknown had me a nervous wreck.  When everything was finally coordinated and the EMT's were there to transport him I gave him a kiss, got in my car, and drove to the new hospital to meet him.  I held it together until I had issues parking at the new hospital, got lost when trying to find his floor (this hospital has at least four different sets of elevators and only one takes you to his floor) and then when I made it to the floor they made me wait by the elevators until he was "settled".  I start looking around to observe the surroundings.  I see people on cell phones, laughing and joking, and speaking unprofessionally with colorful language. Those who know me know I don't cuss... I don't judge people who do but it is a personal choice not to use certain language.  That was all I needed to break into tears.  Full and complete meltdown.  Tears that I had held in for too long.  

My mom met me there at that point and didn't understand why I was so upset.  When we were finally able to go to his room we walked through the cramped hallways to a room where there is room basically just for his bed and a small table with drawers for his personal items.  The ventilator was crammed in the corner, the tube feed was hanging on the other side along with the suction that he desperately needed at this point.  I immediately helped get him comfortable in the bed.  They didn't bother to do that.  I left the room a couple times because I couldn't hold back my tears.  I heard my mom telling my dad that he needs to act like he is okay because I was upset.  I walked back into the room with tears streaming down my face and looked at my dad who couldn't talk to us at this point and told him he NEVER has to pretend things are okay for me and shouldn't do it for anyone else either.  I explained that I was upset, I was allowed to be upset, and that I was having a hard time with the transition.  I wrote my phone number on the small board in his room.  I had a meeting the next day with my boss who was driving three and a half hours to come to my office and I couldn't go a night without sleep.  I had to leave.  I begged the nurse to check on him frequently.  He couldn't use the call button, he couldn't use the suction on his own, he couldn't yell for help.  After staying a while the nurse saw how upset I was and promised she would take good care of him that night.  I left and literally cried the entire night... I think my phone call to Kimberly that night had to have been a difficult one for her.  She can usually talk me down.  It wasn't working that night.  

Fast forward (wish I could have done that in real life) to this week... I'll start with the negatives but will end on the positives.  Because really the positives are all that matter at this point.  Dad is still not getting the care that I would like.  But he has made a ton of progress.  He has to wait longer for things he needs than he should be, they aren't the most professional and I worry way too much.  But this is where we are today: 

• NO MORE VENTILATOR!!!!!
• Trach may be removed tomorrow (fingers crossed) 
• Tomorrow might be his last dialysis (toes crossed)   While typing this blog I found out NO MORE DIALYSIS!!!!
• Eating on his own with less tube feeds (last night he ate a real sandwich) no more mush grossness
• He has been getting up (with help) and sitting in a chair to eat
• Physical Therapy has begun and he is walking
• Talk has begun about transitioning him home

And most importantly....

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM!!!!! 

He has even called me on the phone.  

So through all of this madness... miracles have happened.  And I am so incredibly thankful.   

I'm not sure if my family or I will ever be the same.  I pray that things continue in this direction.  That Brianna gets to see her papaw soon.  But today... I'm happy.