Lately

I'm really struggling with anxiety tonight and am unable to sleep.  I started writing about an hour ago to try to get things out and while it was helpful for me, I'm not ready to post it.  However, I will say that my dad has been incredibly sick.  Critically sick.  As of tomorrow, he has been in ICU for two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  Two weeks of my world being turned upside down.  The post I wrote went through every medical issue and setback he has had over this period of time.  I know this isn't the place to throw all of that out there but this is the place that I can share how I am feeling.  

So there are a lot of things that I am praying for, wishing for, longing for... things I took for granted two weeks ago.  

I want to hear my dad's voice.  

I want to call him and have one of our talks.  The talks that make me feel so loved.  That encourage me.  That always let me know he is proud of me.  And the advice that he is so good at giving when I am ready.  Never pushing, never prying, just there.  My dad is the best at being there.  

I want some comfort for my dad right now.  

He is fighting so hard, I want so bad to be able to do more to fight for him.  

I want some real answers from doctors. 

I want to know what he needs and provide it or find a nurse or doctor that can. 

I want the hours that we are spending at the hospital to DO SOMETHING.  HELP MORE. 

I want to take his pain away.  I want to let him use my organs so that his can heal.  

I want to smile when I see his face and tell him he will be fine.  

So that's where I am at emotionally.  As of the past two days, physically, I have had to be back at work.  It is hard to concentrate but I have to be there.  We are in the  middle of the fiscal year closeout which is madness.  I also have needed to be around for my family.  Brianna misses me.  Michael is stretched thin with work issues and taking over majority of Brianna's care.  I try to get home before she goes to bed but it doesn't always happen.  She has been watching a show on PBS that has a song that she sings every time she sees me.  "Grownups come back"  It breaks my heart that she has to worry about this but I'm glad that she has this little song that helps.  She knows Papaw Ray is in the hospital.  She says that he is sick and hurting.  And then she puts her tiny hands on my face and says, "Don't cry, Mommy"  My heart is breaking and my baby girl sees it.  

Thank you to all of my friends and family for the support.  Whether it is a nightly phone call or just a prayer every once in a while... it means everything to me.  Thanks for listening to me vent.