Christmas 2013

We had a wonderful Christmas this year.  It was crazy busy and seemed to come and go way too fast but it was a great Christmas.  Like every other year, I put our tree and decorations up towards the beginning of November.  People always say I'm crazy but I like to enjoy it a little longer than the typical 25 days.  And this year... with Thanksgiving being so late, December truly flew by.  So I'm glad we were able to already have our decorations up and enjoy them.  Tiny (our Elf on the Shelf) didn't come until December 1st and Brianna absolutely loved waking up every morning and going to find him and see what funny thing he was up to.  She cried when I told her Tiny had to go back to the North Pole with Santa.  I know this tradition annoys a lot of people but we think it is awesome and adds to the magic of the season.

I did most of my shopping online this year which made things really easy but I made a huge mistake of throwing all of the boxes in one place and not bothering to wrap a thing until the night before Christmas Eve.  I didn't get much sleep that night but that's alright... who needs sleep when it is CHRISTMAS :)

I realized on the way to Michael's family Christmas Eve celebration at his Aunt's house that this is our EIGHTH Christmas together.  That is crazy to me.  But I love that I enjoy and look forward to his family gatherings just as much as my own.  We enjoyed some yummy food and time with all of the aunts, cousins and siblings at his Aunt's house. After dinner, before gifts, this family has a tradition of having the adults all play a game with some fun prizes like gift cards.  I won last year!!!  This year... not so much.  It was a tough one!  It involved matching really complicated fancy names for Christmas songs.  Michael even beat me... I was shocked how well he and Matt did with this game.  SO fun.  I'm having a hard time remembering who won this year!

And then it was time for gifts.  In this family everyone buys gifts for all of the kids.  It can be stressful to shop for but it is all worth it to see the kids anxiously sitting by the tree with a hundred beautifully wrapped gifts ready to dig in.  Brianna got way too much but she adored everything she opened.  After hanging out with family for a while we headed over with Michael's siblings to his dad's house to open gifts from him and Granny.  It was a new tradition this year and a lot of fun.  Brianna got even more perfectly selected gifts.  And Granny and Papaw Terry and Karen spoiled all of us.

This is a video of Brianna finding her gifts from Santa.  She consistently asked for a "mermaid kitchen" since we got the the toy books in the mail from Target and Toys R Us.  Mama secretly wanted to get the Doc McStuffins animal check-up center since Brianna is obsessed with her stuffed animals but nope... she wasn't having it.  The mermaid kitchen was what she wanted.  And Santa listened.  I love how she didn't even see it at first and says there are "pretty presents".  iMovie is being difficult right now but I took another short clip before she left our bedroom to find her presents.  She was being so sweet.  I'll try to add that in another post later.

After playing with her toys from Santa for a little while we had to get ready to go to my parents to open gifts with them and my brother and his family.  It was short but very sweet.  We were all spoiled some more and Brianna hasn't stopped playing with her Maximus horse (from Tangled) or the Disney Princess hair set Uncle Adam, Aunt Katie and baby J.R. got her.

From there we traveled to Aunt Cathy's for an amazing Christmas meal and more gifts as well as time with family.  Brianna had a blast playing with her cousins.  I spent an hour helping Bella separate colored rubber bands for the Rainbow Loom I got her.  That apparently was one of the popular gifts this year which I found so funny.  After some good family time we headed to Michael's Grandpa's house where almost all of his Mom's side was there.  We always have a blast with his Mom's family.  They are some of the funniest people I know and the kids have so much fun playing together.  Bri had quite a meltdown when it was time to go home so we had quite a wrestling match but with Aunt Erin's help we were able to get into the car.  Once we were home we ended a great day cuddled on the couch thankful not just for the presents and how great Santa was to us but mostly for the amazing family we are blessed with and the memories we were able to make.

It was a Christmas we will always remember.

Christmas Eve... gift opening!

Papaw Terry's house for more gifts :) 

Christmas Morning (Santa)

Gifts with the Brumleys

Look at these sweet cousins!

And finally... last year's attempt to get all of the kids at the Winkler Christmas onto the steps for the family's annual picture was a challenge.   This year... they were adorable!  We were missing a couple little ones which is sad but these pictures make me so happy.  Nothing better than cousins!

2012

2013

Immune System, Where are You?

I left off at the end of yesterday's novel of a post at the torture inducing, germ infested, children's jump, bounce and indoor playground.  Last time we went, my party favor was strep throat.

This time... on that cold and dreary Sunday afternoon, I was armed with even more sanitizer and followed very closely behind her the entire time.  She isn't old enough to be embarrassed by me... yet... so at least I wasn't cramping her style.  But I was determined to not bring a single friendly germ home with us.  Not one.  

And I thought we may have accomplished my mission.  Until Wednesday morning.  She has been waking up super early this week as a result of the time change. Typically she is still asleep when I leave for work but this week she has been waking up before I sneak out.  Which ruins the morning for all  involved.  So when I lifted her out her bed that morning she clung to me like I was trying to sit her on an erupting volcano instead of the changing table in her bedroom.  (Yes.  Still in crib.  Still in diapers.) I noticed immediately how warm she felt but thought maybe she was just dressed too warmly (remember she is in a shirt, pants AND nightgown) and the whining was simply because she didn't want me to leave for work.  

Around 9:00am I saw our sitter's cell phone number pop up on my phone.  My heart dropped thinking worst case scenario. Shirley doesn't just call for no reason.  In fact in the 17 months (wow! 17 months!) she has been watching Brianna I can probably count on one hand how many times she has called me while I am at work.  Thankfully, Shirley was calling to ask if she could give her some medicine because she definitely had a fever. I will take a fever over the other scenarios running through my head any day, any time.   I told her the dosage and asked that she call me back if it doesn't seem to come down.  Last night was a long night with a pitiful little girl.  I kept trying to figure out what was bothering her (throat, belly, ears, etc...) and she couldn't really tell me.  I gave her some medicine around 5:00am Thursday morning when she woke up absolutely burning up and by the time I was leaving for work she started to perk up a bit. I had back to back meetings scheduled until 3:30 or so but asked that she call me if she seemed to be getting worse or the fever wasn't coming down.  

I called around 11:30 to check in so that I could decide if I needed to take her in to the doctor or just cross my fingers it is something viral that moves through quickly.  Shirley said that she seemed to be feeling a little better but since the evening before I had been alternating Tylenol and Advil.  Apparently the medicine was helping so I felt comfortable finishing out my work day.  Grandma Peggy came over in the afternoon so she was with Brianna when I got home.  Bri's little voice wasn't sounding too great and she felt warm to me.  She did eat a little (she hasn't eaten much in the past few days) and had lots of water and Gatorade.  Peggy helped me make the executive decision to wait until Friday morning, see how she is doing then and schedule a sick visit if the nurse feels she should be seen. 

The more time passed the worse she seemed to get.  She would randomly scream out... usually when she was trying to eat something.  She says her mouth is burning but I think she means her throat.  Around 2:00am she started crying and I couldn't get her to calm down.  I made a big bed in the middle of the living room floor and was going to lay down with her so we could cuddle.  I let her bring as many of her animals out that she wanted so that got her to calm down for a couple minutes.  After getting settled she screamed out in pain again.  At approximately 3:00am I was THAT mother that did something I would have never thought I would ever do.

That is a picture of nutritious midnight snack.  Except it is 3:00am and there is nothing nutritious about a grape Popsicle.  She also happens to be watching her third episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.  

At this point... I'm willing to do anything to just make it through the night.  I'm not sure there is a worse feeling in the world than your little baby is screaming in pain and there doesn't seem to be anything I will be calling the doctor's office first thing in the morning.

And now I feel it is safe to say that even without the diagnosis from the doctor... I will never go back to Jumping Jacks.  

And one more funny side note... when I was younger my family always jokingly called me "Typhoid Tammi" because whenever there was a sickness or illness going around I would always catch it.  Always.  My co-workers know that was a nickname of mine so today they were giving me a hard time about Brianna getting whatever goes around just like her Mama.  So they began trying to come up with an equally funny nickname for her.  At work, my daughter is now lovingly referred to as "Bacteria Bri".  Mommy's sorry, baby.  :)

So I guess we shall see by tomorrow afternoon if Brianna's party favor from this party is strep throat as well.  

Bring it on 2014

While talking the the Bestie last night she mentioned (not for the first time) that she was ready for 2014.  She and I both have gone through some traumatic things in 2013 and we both agree that we are looking forward to saying goodbye to 2013 and hello to 2014.  So I say... BRING IT!  

In the month that has passed since my last entry a lot has happened.  Let's just list these bad boys bullet point style:

• My Dad came home from the hospital on October 11th.  
• Visited a pumpkin patch
• I organized a surprise birthday dinner for Michael's 30th birthday.  
• Made a couple homemade gifts for Daddy from Brianna.  
• I threw a baby shower for my sister-in-law.  
• I went out of town for work as well as finished closing out the fiscal year. 
• Spent many evenings at the park with Brianna while we still had daylight in the evenings. 
• Prayed hard for my cousin's baby boy, Connor, who entered the world a month early (he got to go home from the hospital Wednesday!).  
• Attended several Halloween events and she had trick or treated with Brianna.  (In terrible rain and a wind advisory.)
• Hosted a small party last weekend and then attended one of Brianna's five year old cousin's birthday party at Jumping Jacks.  

Those are just the things I could list off the top of my head.  I think this time of year is equally crazy for most people.  I feel like we have been crazy busy which has left me feeling like I'm failing at everything.  I loved this video that is currently all over Facebook. 

Post by Unstoppable Mother.

I know that all I can do is my best.  And learn how to say no.  I've gotten better at this since having Brianna but there is always room for improvement.  That short video couldn't have come at a better time.  And I've been trying to be more present in each moment of my day.  I'm also trying to feel more confident in my parenting.  I may not be the best mother in the world... but I'm the best mother for Brianna.  

My Dad continues to improve... slowly... but still in the right direction.  As expected, it has been a difficult transition.  It truly is a miracle how far he has come but he does still have quite a bit of work in front of him.  I apologize for being annoyingly vague... but... there are some other things happening as a result of my Dad's illness that I'm having a hard time with.  The older I get the more I struggle with change.  And letting things go.  There is a lot metaphorically and literally that I am having to let go.  And it is adding a level of stress to my life that I've never dealt with until now.  So if you guys don't mind... all of the prayers for my Dad, family, and myself are so very much appreciated.  

Michael's 30th birthday was the day before my Dad was discharged from the hospital.  Brianna and I had made some gifts for him that week, I picked up his Servatii's cake which has become our little family tradition, and told him to meet his mom, Bri and I for dinner when he got off work.  I'm so thankful for the family and friends who came to surprise Michael.  I know he felt loved and really enjoyed the evening.  

Stepping Stone

Photo Collage for Daddy's Office

Also toward the beginning of the month we went to visit a pumpkin patch with Michael's Dad, Karen, and Granny.  It was still super hot outside which felt unnatural but we still had a lot of fun.  Brianna got a princess crown to run around in, there were carriage rides (there was no hay in the trailer that the horses were pulling so I refuse to call it a hayride), a huge bouncy house type area, a train that she was able to ride around the corn maze (ALL BY HERSELF!), and a lot more.  

Afterwards, Brianna was obviously exhausted.  So exhausted that she fell asleep with a book on her face.  Yes. I had to take a picture before removing it to make sure she was still breathing.  Mother of the year.  

 See, she was perfectly fine under there.  

I need to mention her obsession with Disney princess nightgowns.  Particularly this extra frilly, sparkly line from Target.  She now has Ariel and Rapunzel.  And she literally wears one at all times while home.  Now that it is cold she wears long sleeves and pants underneath to keep her warm.  But here she is cuddling with Ariel (you can see the red hair behind her head) and Rapunzel... wearing her Ariel nightgown.  

And before I knew it... the exhaustion of the fun day of choosing pumpkins and fall festivities caught up with her again. 

The face painter decided to paint her arm instead of her face.  Which actually worked out for the best because Brianna could actually see it.  Brianna politely asked for a pumpkin.  But my girly girl insisted that purple be integrated into the masterpiece.  The woman appeased her by adding some purple flowers onto the pumpkin vine.  The only surprising part of that request was that she wanted purple instead of that other female gender dominantly chosen color.  

Here is a picture of another random night this past month of her with her first french braid.  It struggles but I assure you... I deserve some kind of medal for even attempting this task.  Michael came running upstairs thinking she was seriously injured.  Again... proving that I am indeed, Mother of the Year.  Beauty must suffer??? No? Okay, okay. 

Notice the Ariel nightgown again... I was not exaggerating.  Every. Single. Day. 

At least now that we have Rapunzel's gown I can alternate them so they can actually be washed. 

These pictures are pretty much the only halfway decent pictures I have of her in her costume.  As I'm sure most of you know, the weather wasn't the greatest.  Luckily, the night before Halloween Michael and I took her to an event near my office where local business set up tents and pass out treats, carnival-like games, crafts, local mascots, and apparently half of Boone County.  We probably would have just stayed home that night if we had known how insane the crowd and traffic would be.  But she had a blast playing with the other kids in line and the mascots were her favorite part.  I really am glad that we did go.  I also ran into a girl I used to work with years ago.  It was fun to catch up with her and see Brianna and her children playing together.  

I didn't take many (if any) pictures of majority of the shenanigans this past month.  And most of the pictures were taken with my iPhone.  The baby shower for Krystan went really well.  She got some great gifts and I think everyone had a pretty good time.  Since I was hosting the shower along with Peggy, my camera never even came out of its bag.  

The last thing I'll share is a result of that last bullet point up there.  The one about a five-year birthday party.  At Jumping Jacks.  Let me just start by saying that the last time we went there was July for another birthday party.  A few days after the party in July I had a high temperature and a throat that felt like it was closing in.  That Wednesday I found myself sitting in Kroger's Little Clinic waiting area in between meetings with clients so that I could have a strep test performed which immediately came back with a bright and shiny positive.  The nurse practitioner joked that indoor playgrounds are basically one big petri dish.  Lovely.  I hadn't had strep since my tonsils were taken out somewhere around the age of 22.  

This time... I was armed with even more sanitizer and followed very closely behind her the entire time.  She isn't old enough to be embarrassed by me... yet... so at least I wasn't cramping her style.  But I was determined to not bring a single friendly germ home with us.  Not one.  

To be continued... 

(Check back tomorrow)

:)

Fall TV 2013

So this time last year I was posting about my excitement for Fall TV.  

This time of year when the air is crisp, it gets darker earlier and all of the new fall shows have started has always been my favorite.  I've never been a PSL lover... but I am excited about Pumpkin Pie.  I'm excited to take some picture with Brianna at the garden center with some mums and pumpkins.  

I haven't had much time to catch many television shows but I have been enjoying the return of New Girl.  Before things really started improving with my Dad I enjoyed getting my mind off things with New Girl.  It is the only show that really truly makes me laugh out loud.  I love it.  

The only two other shows I have watched this fall are Nashville and Grey's.  I have been having trouble watching them though.  Seeing people on venilators and all of these medical issues that have been such a huge part of my life has left me not being able to watch some of the subject matter that never used to bother me.  

The other show I've been excited about is Parenthood.  I think last spring I began watching Parenthood on Netflix and fell in love.  I watched all four (I think) seasons pretty quickly.  And then found out it had been renewed for this fall and I was so excited about the season premiere the week before last.  However, now that I'm two episodes in, I realize I enjoyed the show much more while "binge watching".  So should I continue watching through the season or give up and binge watch when the season is over. 

Kimberly is very close to having me convinced I need to binge watch season 1 of Scandal.  I will have to keep you posted on that one.  

Decisions, decisions... 

To be quite honest, there has been a lot of family drama for me right now.  I'm anxious for some time with my girlfriends, more outings with Michael, Brianna and I or to dive into a new book series.  Until those other things happen, I'm trying to enjoy fall... and the new television that comes with it. 

Weekend Getaway

Since we went to Florida in May this year we felt like we didn't have a lot to look forward to travel-wise this summer.  We had thrown around the idea of going to Florida again around Labor Day but after checking to see if the family condo was available and finding out it wasn't, we started brainstorming some short trips that are closer to home that would give us a little break to look forward to without the expense and planning that is required for a complete second vacation.

So months ago, we booked a weekend trip to Gatlinburg.  We figured there is a ton of stuff for Brianna and it would be relaxing to visit the mountains as the leaves start to turn for fall.  Then my Dad got sick.  He was stable, able to communicate with me by using a pen to spell out on a board what he wanted to say, and while I felt a lot of anxiety about leaving him... I knew it was OK.  And Brianna has been missing her Mommy so it was much needed quality time.

So we swam in the pool, had family time in our bathing suits in the huge jacuzzi tub in our cabin, went to the Dixie Stampede, Aquarium, shopped, ate, ate and ate lots of yummy food and it was nice.  Brianna had been having some sleep regression before the trip and that only got worse so she was a little,  okay, A LOT, more cranky than normal but we managed.  Here are a few pictures of our time in Gatlinburg.

It was a nice little trip but we were happy to get home- especially so that I could get back to the hospital with Dad.  But the good news is that we have implemented strict afternoon naps for Brianna since we returned.  Life has been so much better now that the two year old is getting enough sleep!  

Progress

Life is still pretty crazy, I still wish I had a pause button to press to calm things down, and I'm still an anxious mess... BUT... Things have come a very long way in the past week.  I don't have the guts to read my previous blog posts because I can't experience that emotion again just yet but I thought I would post a bit of an update of where things are now and express how incredibly grateful I am for the thoughts and prayers that have gotten us to today. A lot of this post is mostly for me to remember so feel free to skip through some of the details!

After four weeks and three days in Intensive Care my dad was MOVED to another hospital last Monday to continue healing and begin rehabilitation.  I had a lot of issues with this... my dad on the other hand was ecstatic.  I didn't understand how there wasn't any kind of "stepdown" from ICU to rehabilitative care.  He was going from his own room with the best nurses, the best doctors and pretty much one on one care to a place that he was sharing a room and there are way too many patients per nurse.  Dad wanted me to be there for the move so I took some time off work to be there.  He was excited but the change and unknown had me a nervous wreck.  When everything was finally coordinated and the EMT's were there to transport him I gave him a kiss, got in my car, and drove to the new hospital to meet him.  I held it together until I had issues parking at the new hospital, got lost when trying to find his floor (this hospital has at least four different sets of elevators and only one takes you to his floor) and then when I made it to the floor they made me wait by the elevators until he was "settled".  I start looking around to observe the surroundings.  I see people on cell phones, laughing and joking, and speaking unprofessionally with colorful language. Those who know me know I don't cuss... I don't judge people who do but it is a personal choice not to use certain language.  That was all I needed to break into tears.  Full and complete meltdown.  Tears that I had held in for too long.  

My mom met me there at that point and didn't understand why I was so upset.  When we were finally able to go to his room we walked through the cramped hallways to a room where there is room basically just for his bed and a small table with drawers for his personal items.  The ventilator was crammed in the corner, the tube feed was hanging on the other side along with the suction that he desperately needed at this point.  I immediately helped get him comfortable in the bed.  They didn't bother to do that.  I left the room a couple times because I couldn't hold back my tears.  I heard my mom telling my dad that he needs to act like he is okay because I was upset.  I walked back into the room with tears streaming down my face and looked at my dad who couldn't talk to us at this point and told him he NEVER has to pretend things are okay for me and shouldn't do it for anyone else either.  I explained that I was upset, I was allowed to be upset, and that I was having a hard time with the transition.  I wrote my phone number on the small board in his room.  I had a meeting the next day with my boss who was driving three and a half hours to come to my office and I couldn't go a night without sleep.  I had to leave.  I begged the nurse to check on him frequently.  He couldn't use the call button, he couldn't use the suction on his own, he couldn't yell for help.  After staying a while the nurse saw how upset I was and promised she would take good care of him that night.  I left and literally cried the entire night... I think my phone call to Kimberly that night had to have been a difficult one for her.  She can usually talk me down.  It wasn't working that night.  

Fast forward (wish I could have done that in real life) to this week... I'll start with the negatives but will end on the positives.  Because really the positives are all that matter at this point.  Dad is still not getting the care that I would like.  But he has made a ton of progress.  He has to wait longer for things he needs than he should be, they aren't the most professional and I worry way too much.  But this is where we are today: 

• NO MORE VENTILATOR!!!!!
• Trach may be removed tomorrow (fingers crossed) 
• Tomorrow might be his last dialysis (toes crossed)   While typing this blog I found out NO MORE DIALYSIS!!!!
• Eating on his own with less tube feeds (last night he ate a real sandwich) no more mush grossness
• He has been getting up (with help) and sitting in a chair to eat
• Physical Therapy has begun and he is walking
• Talk has begun about transitioning him home

And most importantly....

I HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HAVE CONVERSATIONS WITH HIM!!!!! 

He has even called me on the phone.  

So through all of this madness... miracles have happened.  And I am so incredibly thankful.   

I'm not sure if my family or I will ever be the same.  I pray that things continue in this direction.  That Brianna gets to see her papaw soon.  But today... I'm happy.  

Babies

There has been a lot of talks about babies surrounding us lately.  Which I won't lie... it has been kind of nice since things have been so uncertain with my dad.  New life always has a way of making everything feel better.

I have several friends who have been trying to get pregnant... and some newly pregnant family members.  I asked Brianna the other night if she wanted a new baby cousin and she looked at me and very seriously said, "No thank you, I'd like a baby sister"  WHAT!?!  I couldn't believe it.  We have asked her questions like this before... trying to see if she thinking about having a sibling... and the answers are always so vague.

This time it was clear.  And i can't help but hope that someday we give her this wish.  That she has a sibling to experience life with.  A sibling to be there for her when Michael and I are gone.